Joke thread!!!
02-03-2005, 09:15 AM
#92
Token Toyota Mod
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Palo Alto, CA
Posts: 52,306
Car Info: Something german
Originally Posted by Ali G
Finding it impossible to get laid, Ed decides to visit a whorehouse. As he is sitting in the waiting room when he notices jars of tomatoes on the shelves. Realizing that he is hungry, he opens a jar and precedes to devour an entire jar.
The next day he returns and eats another jar while waiting for his prostitute.
On the third day he asks a hooker where they got those juicy tomatoes.
The ***** replies, "Tomatoes? Those are last weeks abortions."
The next day he returns and eats another jar while waiting for his prostitute.
On the third day he asks a hooker where they got those juicy tomatoes.
The ***** replies, "Tomatoes? Those are last weeks abortions."
That is soo wrong!!! OMG OMG OMG. I feel sick..
02-07-2005, 10:38 AM
#95
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: ex-post whore
Posts: 5,152
Car Info: Aspin '02 WRX sedan
I need to get me one of these clocks...
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you *******....it's ten past three in the morning!"
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you *******....it's ten past three in the morning!"
02-07-2005, 10:45 AM
#96
Registered User
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Peoples Republik of Kalifornia
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Car Info: 05 H2 SUT, 45 GPW, 10 Murano, 13 Boss 302
Originally Posted by RussA
I need to get me one of these clocks...
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you *******....it's ten past three in the morning!"
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you *******....it's ten past three in the morning!"
02-07-2005, 02:28 PM
#101
Troll
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pimpin' tards
Posts: 895
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He
puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look,
I'm a white boy."
His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father".
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white
boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your
grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Look Nana, I'm a white
boy "
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his
mother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the
boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I
already hate you Mexicans."
puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look,
I'm a white boy."
His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father".
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white
boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your
grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Look Nana, I'm a white
boy "
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his
mother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the
boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I
already hate you Mexicans."
02-07-2005, 02:32 PM
#102
Troll
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pimpin' tards
Posts: 895
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
1 half-gallon of 2% milk,
1 carton of eggs,
1 quart of orange juice,
1 2 lb. can of coffee,
and 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her five items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
1 half-gallon of 2% milk,
1 carton of eggs,
1 quart of orange juice,
1 2 lb. can of coffee,
and 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her five items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
02-08-2005, 01:23 PM
#104
VIP Member
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 842
Car Info: '94 SVX, '02 WRX
As stolen from NASIOC:
and another stolen joke:
Originally Posted by Johnny Knoxville
Q: whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A: a washing machine doesnt follow you around for two weeks after you put a load in it.
A: a washing machine doesnt follow you around for two weeks after you put a load in it.
and another stolen joke:
Originally Posted by tbert
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....
WAPCE.....
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....
WAPCE.....
