Joke thread!!!
10-04-2005, 12:28 PM
#347
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: I gotta have more cow bell!!!!
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Originally Posted by dz
How do you fit 54 Jews in a Volkswagon?
2 in the front, 2 in the back and 50 in the ash tray...
2 in the front, 2 in the back and 50 in the ash tray...
He fell out of the guard tower... Just kidding, calm down.
10-04-2005, 12:42 PM
#349
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Originally Posted by 1reguL8NSTi
That's ****ed up, my great grand father died in a concentration camp.
He fell out of the guard tower... Just kidding, calm down.
He fell out of the guard tower... Just kidding, calm down.
10-06-2005, 02:45 PM
#351
This happened in a little town in New Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true:
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life.
Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve. Gathering h! is strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying hysterically and wasn't drunk.
About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and one said to the other, "Mira, vato. That's the Pendejo that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life.
Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve. Gathering h! is strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying hysterically and wasn't drunk.
About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and one said to the other, "Mira, vato. That's the Pendejo that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
10-06-2005, 11:46 PM
#352
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Location: Kalifornia
Posts: 2,070
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NWS
Voodoo Dick
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the ******, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating ******, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking *****.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other ***** in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special ***** and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my *****." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my *****!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the *****.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ***!"
Voodoo Dick
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the ******, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating ******, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking *****.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other ***** in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special ***** and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my *****." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my *****!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the *****.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ***!"
10-21-2005, 01:27 PM
#353
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Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Funtown
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:rotfl:
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golfcourse when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I joinyou? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait ! a minute , that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The *****!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golfcourse when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I joinyou? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait ! a minute , that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The *****!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
12-22-2005, 05:29 PM
#354
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Kalifornia
Posts: 2,070
Car Info: 1995 Impreza L
THE NEW 2006 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat people get
5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600
Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do
not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be
and therefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should
be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.
RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders."
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat people get
5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600
Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do
not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be
and therefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should
be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.
RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders."
12-22-2005, 10:57 PM
#356
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Front pleated TWill pants...
Posts: 10,232
Car Info: 2004 PSM WRX
I haven't read the whole thread, so I'm not sure if these have been posted, so here it goes...
How do you get a clown to stop laughing?
Hit him in the face with an axe. (must say this with a perfectly straight face)
How do you get a clown to stop laughing?
Hit him in the face with an axe. (must say this with a perfectly straight face)
