Joke thread!!!
06-14-2005, 02:26 PM
#331
Dirty Redhead
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When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.
"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical produce.
"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.
"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."
The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Sales Demo."
"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical produce.
"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.
"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."
The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Sales Demo."
06-14-2005, 02:27 PM
#332
Dirty Redhead
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Location: Commuting? I don't know what that means anymore.
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Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to
lose my ****ing ****."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied,
"If I don't sell more **** this month, I'm going to lose my ****ing car."
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to
lose my ****ing ****."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied,
"If I don't sell more **** this month, I'm going to lose my ****ing car."
06-29-2005, 09:51 AM
#333
Troll
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pimpin' tards
Posts: 895
Russ and Ed wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them.
Russ said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.
Ed said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Russ replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
They went into the pub where Russ immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.
Ed said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!" \
Russ replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Russ said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth bar, Ed said, "Russ - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
Russ said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"
Russ said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.
Ed said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Russ replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
They went into the pub where Russ immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.
Ed said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!" \
Russ replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Russ said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth bar, Ed said, "Russ - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
Russ said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"
09-29-2005, 12:41 PM
#335
Registered User
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Location: Sacramento, CA
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I heard on the news today that in New Orleans, there's a run on flat house paint...
What's the difference between a Tsunami and a Hurricane?
One kills thousands of people without warning, the other performs a useful task in social restructuring.
What did the people of New Orleans nickname Hurricane Katrina?
The French Quarter Pounder.
President Bush, what is your position on Rowe vs. Wade?
"I really don't care how people get out of New Orleans"
What's the difference between a Tsunami and a Hurricane?
One kills thousands of people without warning, the other performs a useful task in social restructuring.
What did the people of New Orleans nickname Hurricane Katrina?
The French Quarter Pounder.
President Bush, what is your position on Rowe vs. Wade?
"I really don't care how people get out of New Orleans"
09-29-2005, 12:49 PM
#336
BanHammer™
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Originally Posted by dz
I heard on the news today that in New Orleans, there's a run on flat house paint...
What's the difference between a Tsunami and a Hurricane?
One kills thousands of people without warning, the other performs a useful task in social restructuring.
What did the people of New Orleans nickname Hurricane Katrina?
The French Quarter Pounder.
President Bush, what is your position on Rowe vs. Wade?
"I really don't care how people get out of New Orleans"
What's the difference between a Tsunami and a Hurricane?
One kills thousands of people without warning, the other performs a useful task in social restructuring.
What did the people of New Orleans nickname Hurricane Katrina?
The French Quarter Pounder.
President Bush, what is your position on Rowe vs. Wade?
"I really don't care how people get out of New Orleans"
09-29-2005, 01:56 PM
#339
Registered User
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Location: Sacramento, CA
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Originally Posted by 1reguL8NSTi
I heard this when NO was full of water:
How do you make 100,000 n*****s dance?
Turn on the electric in New Orleans.
How do you make 100,000 n*****s dance?
Turn on the electric in New Orleans.
10-04-2005, 12:15 PM
#344
VIP Member
Thread Starter
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So Bush is meeting with his security advisors, cabinet etc, and they are giving him his daily intel report.
The one advisor says, today, Mr. President, there were 4 Brazilians killed in Iraq.
Before the intel officers could continue, the he President puts his head in his hands and sighs for about 30 seconds.
All the people in the office are looking at each other, like w-t-f?
Finally, he looks up, and says: "Ok, how many is a brazillion?"
The one advisor says, today, Mr. President, there were 4 Brazilians killed in Iraq.
Before the intel officers could continue, the he President puts his head in his hands and sighs for about 30 seconds.
All the people in the office are looking at each other, like w-t-f?
Finally, he looks up, and says: "Ok, how many is a brazillion?"