Shop Tools!
Thread Starter
Registered User
iTrader: (5)
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 836
From: \oo/ O \oo/
Car Info: 2001 Transmaro SS
Shop Tools!
Sorry if this was ever posted on this site but it is too funny to pass on.
---
a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.
b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to say, "Ouch...."
c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age
d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
o. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
p.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
q.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
r. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
s.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
t.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone
at Ford, and rounds them off.
u.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
v.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
w.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.
x.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats, chrome and plastic parts.
---
a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.
b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to say, "Ouch...."
c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age
d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
o. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
p.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
q.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
r. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
s.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
t.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone
at Ford, and rounds them off.
u.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
v.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
w.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.
x.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats, chrome and plastic parts.
iClub Silver Vendor
iTrader: (25)
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 15,494
From: Participating in some Anarchy!
Car Info: 2005 LGT wagon
h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
Holy ****...my buddy's dad has a full set of those sockets, wrenches.
Talk about being ****ing annoying @ 1:30am, you're drunk/high, and you gotta get the hooptie running in 3 hours for a road trip to Canada.
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
Holy ****...my buddy's dad has a full set of those sockets, wrenches.
Talk about being ****ing annoying @ 1:30am, you're drunk/high, and you gotta get the hooptie running in 3 hours for a road trip to Canada.
Registered User
iTrader: (3)
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 10,232
From: Front pleated TWill pants...
Car Info: 2004 PSM WRX
A few days ago I was having some work done at S-Squared. A hot blonde who drives an STi came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and Dared asked, "What's a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I've lost it and need a new one." She said that she didn't know what it was but this piece had always been there.
Nate gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there!
We all looked at each other and Dared asked, "What's a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I've lost it and need a new one." She said that she didn't know what it was but this piece had always been there.
Nate gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there!
Token Toyota Mod
iTrader: (50)
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 52,306
From: Palo Alto, CA
Car Info: Something german
Originally Posted by T-Will
A few days ago I was having some work done at S-Squared. A hot blonde who drives an STi came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and Dared asked, "What's a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I've lost it and need a new one." She said that she didn't know what it was but this piece had always been there.
Nate gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there!
We all looked at each other and Dared asked, "What's a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I've lost it and need a new one." She said that she didn't know what it was but this piece had always been there.
Nate gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there!
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
Jay04WRX
Engine Management
3
Aug 9, 2003 11:07 PM
BADWRX
Bay Area
21
Dec 24, 2002 03:53 PM
