A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.....you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather get a
job and work."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holidays trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well.........you started it.

 

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your ***** is bigger
than your brother's."

 

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

 

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton."


The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't
reside here."


The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton".


The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton
is not President and doesn't reside here."


The man thanked him and again walked away . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Hillary Clinton."


The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.
Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you
understand?"


The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing
your answer!"


The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

 

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

 

Have you heard about those new cordoroy pillows?











They are really making headlines.