Jokes
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iTrader: (2)
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 4,219
From: out on the twisties
Car Info: WRB WRX 2003 Subaru Sedan
This guy takes his wife to the doctor because something is wrong with her.
Doctor says "We've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Alltimers(spelling) or Aids."
Guys says "Oh my god, what should i do?"
Dr says "Tonight as you drive home, take the long way around the lake. When you're on the far side let her out of the car. And if she finds her way home don't f**k her."
Doctor says "We've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Alltimers(spelling) or Aids."
Guys says "Oh my god, what should i do?"
Dr says "Tonight as you drive home, take the long way around the lake. When you're on the far side let her out of the car. And if she finds her way home don't f**k her."
here's a few
What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
what did the mexican say when his paper flew out the window?
come back here essay!
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar....
(lol)
why do the ladies love Jesus?
Because he's hung like this [put arms up as if hung on a cross and hands positioned as if measuring something]
Why does Helen Keller ********** with one hand?
she needs the other one to moan with.
Two families move from Iraq to America.
When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet: in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win.
A year later when they meet again the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud for tonight.
How about you?"
The second guy says, "**** you, *********!"
How do helen keller's parents punish her?
by leaving the plunger in
What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
what did the mexican say when his paper flew out the window?
come back here essay!
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar....
(lol)
why do the ladies love Jesus?
Because he's hung like this [put arms up as if hung on a cross and hands positioned as if measuring something]
Why does Helen Keller ********** with one hand?
she needs the other one to moan with.
Two families move from Iraq to America.
When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet: in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win.
A year later when they meet again the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud for tonight.
How about you?"
The second guy says, "**** you, *********!"
How do helen keller's parents punish her?
by leaving the plunger in
A priest took a vacation to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and began fighting it. A few minutes later the guide, holding a landing net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a *****!" "Please, my son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for. "No, Father, you don't understand" explained the guide, "That's the species of fish you have hooked; it's called a 'Son of a *****' fish!"
"Really?" asked the surprised priest, "Well then, would you please net the Son of a *****?"
Once the fish was aboard, the guide marvelled at its size.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a ***** I've ever seen!"
"It really IS a big Son of a *****" the priest beamed, "What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. I promise, you've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a *****."
Elated, the priest headed home. While unloading his fishing tackle and prize catch at the church's back door, Sister Mary appeared and Inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this huge Son of a ***** I caught!" the priest gushed, opening his ice chest.
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father, such language from a priest!" "It's Okay, Sister. According to my guide, that's the species of fish this one is: it's called a 'Son of a ***** fish'."
"Oh, well then...what are you going to do with that huge Son of a *****?"
"Eat it! My guide said they're great!"
Sister Mary then informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days. "Why don't I clean that Son of a ***** for you, and we'll cook it for this special occasion," she volunteered.
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything went perfectly. The wine was fine, the fish excellent.
The Pope leaned back from his plate and said, "This is absolutely marvellous fish -- where did you buy it?"
"We didn't buy it, Your Holiness; I caught that Son of a *****!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned and cooked the Son of a *****!," exclaimed the Sister.
The Pope looked silently at each of them. Glancing around the dining room, he saw they were alone. A big grin spread across his face as he leaned across the table and whispered, "Go get us some more wine. You mother-****ers are my kind of people".
A man was driving home on a Thursday in his pickup truck after a day of fishing. Upon crossing a bridge he spots a State Patrol officer standing on the end of the bridge with his radar gun measuring traffic. Thinking nothing of it he checks his speed to make sure he's legal and keeps driving.
Moments later the trooper is behind him with his lights flashing. They pull over to the side of the road and the trooper approaches the car.
"Do you know why I pulled you over son?" the trooper asked.
"No" the driver responded.
"You were doing 51 in a 50 zone and we have a lot of steel and glass moving through here at high speed" the trooper stated. "What's that smell in your truck, are you smokin dope in here?" he questioned.
"No sir" the man replied.
"I'll bet you're a slack jawed hippy smokin dope instead of working like good christian people. What do you do for a living boy?" the trooper asked.
At this point the man figured he didn't really have anything to worry about in court so he decided to let him have it. "I'm a rectum stretcher, sir" he replied.
"A rectum stretcher, what the hell does a rectum stretcher do?" inquired the trooper.
"Well, I start with a single lubed finger and begin working additional fingers in until I get my entire hand into the rectum. Then I begin working the other fingers in until I've got both hands in. Then I stretch it out as much as I can until I've got a six foot rectum" the man confidently stated.
"What in the hell do you do with a six foot *******?" the trooper suspiciously asked.
"You give him radar gun and a badge and you put him out on a bidge"
what's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
einstein's ****.
Two guys and a girl are stranded on a desert island. Well they got to have sex right? So they decide to take turns ****ing the girl. Its all great and good for a while, but then the girl dies.
So the guys are like "okay, we can make it through this"
so at first its not so bad but then it gets worse and worse
until finally one is like: "dude lets just bury her"
How do you start a Mexican parade?
Throw a Quarter down the street.
A Man walks in to a bar and sees a very small man playing a piano.
He goes up to the bartender and asks "Where did you get that little man playing the piano?"
The Bartender replies "There's a genie in a lamp in the back"
The man asks the bartender if he can use the genie in the back and the bartender leads him to the lamp.
The man rubs the lamp and a Genie pops out and tells him he has one wish.
The man wishes for a milliion bucks.
In a flash, Millions of Ducks appear in the rear of the bar, leaving the man very confused.
He goes back to the bartender and says "I think something is wrong with your genie, he must have a hearing problem"
THe bartender replies "No ****, did you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist"
It's time for Johny who is 6 years old to take a shower for the first time ,since he has allways taken baths...but he is afraid to ,so his mom says I will shower with you....as they get into the shower Johny notices that he is diffrent than his momy and ask her? What is that Johny points to her Vagina?
Mom says uhhhhhh uhhhhh thats my wash rag.....so he ask Mom, can I use your wash rag?....Mothers says no you can not....so they finish up the shower and are done and are drying off....Next day....
johny comes home from school and ask his Mom a question, Mom can I play with your wash Rag?...Mom looks all crazy at him and say no you can not play with my wash rag!....oh Mom why not? johny says....
Mom thinks reall quick and says uhhh uhhh I lost it thats it I lost it....Johny then says Mom I will help you find your wash rag...
1 hour goes by 2 hours go by...then all of a sudden Johny comes running in from outside yelling MOM,MOM I found your wash rag.....Mom say oh you did,well where is it....Johny catches his breath and says "The lady next store has it and she is washing Daddy's face".............
"Really?" asked the surprised priest, "Well then, would you please net the Son of a *****?"
Once the fish was aboard, the guide marvelled at its size.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a ***** I've ever seen!"
"It really IS a big Son of a *****" the priest beamed, "What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. I promise, you've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a *****."
Elated, the priest headed home. While unloading his fishing tackle and prize catch at the church's back door, Sister Mary appeared and Inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this huge Son of a ***** I caught!" the priest gushed, opening his ice chest.
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father, such language from a priest!" "It's Okay, Sister. According to my guide, that's the species of fish this one is: it's called a 'Son of a ***** fish'."
"Oh, well then...what are you going to do with that huge Son of a *****?"
"Eat it! My guide said they're great!"
Sister Mary then informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days. "Why don't I clean that Son of a ***** for you, and we'll cook it for this special occasion," she volunteered.
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything went perfectly. The wine was fine, the fish excellent.
The Pope leaned back from his plate and said, "This is absolutely marvellous fish -- where did you buy it?"
"We didn't buy it, Your Holiness; I caught that Son of a *****!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned and cooked the Son of a *****!," exclaimed the Sister.
The Pope looked silently at each of them. Glancing around the dining room, he saw they were alone. A big grin spread across his face as he leaned across the table and whispered, "Go get us some more wine. You mother-****ers are my kind of people".
A man was driving home on a Thursday in his pickup truck after a day of fishing. Upon crossing a bridge he spots a State Patrol officer standing on the end of the bridge with his radar gun measuring traffic. Thinking nothing of it he checks his speed to make sure he's legal and keeps driving.
Moments later the trooper is behind him with his lights flashing. They pull over to the side of the road and the trooper approaches the car.
"Do you know why I pulled you over son?" the trooper asked.
"No" the driver responded.
"You were doing 51 in a 50 zone and we have a lot of steel and glass moving through here at high speed" the trooper stated. "What's that smell in your truck, are you smokin dope in here?" he questioned.
"No sir" the man replied.
"I'll bet you're a slack jawed hippy smokin dope instead of working like good christian people. What do you do for a living boy?" the trooper asked.
At this point the man figured he didn't really have anything to worry about in court so he decided to let him have it. "I'm a rectum stretcher, sir" he replied.
"A rectum stretcher, what the hell does a rectum stretcher do?" inquired the trooper.
"Well, I start with a single lubed finger and begin working additional fingers in until I get my entire hand into the rectum. Then I begin working the other fingers in until I've got both hands in. Then I stretch it out as much as I can until I've got a six foot rectum" the man confidently stated.
"What in the hell do you do with a six foot *******?" the trooper suspiciously asked.
"You give him radar gun and a badge and you put him out on a bidge"
what's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
einstein's ****.
Two guys and a girl are stranded on a desert island. Well they got to have sex right? So they decide to take turns ****ing the girl. Its all great and good for a while, but then the girl dies.
So the guys are like "okay, we can make it through this"
so at first its not so bad but then it gets worse and worse
until finally one is like: "dude lets just bury her"
How do you start a Mexican parade?
Throw a Quarter down the street.
A Man walks in to a bar and sees a very small man playing a piano.
He goes up to the bartender and asks "Where did you get that little man playing the piano?"
The Bartender replies "There's a genie in a lamp in the back"
The man asks the bartender if he can use the genie in the back and the bartender leads him to the lamp.
The man rubs the lamp and a Genie pops out and tells him he has one wish.
The man wishes for a milliion bucks.
In a flash, Millions of Ducks appear in the rear of the bar, leaving the man very confused.
He goes back to the bartender and says "I think something is wrong with your genie, he must have a hearing problem"
THe bartender replies "No ****, did you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist"
It's time for Johny who is 6 years old to take a shower for the first time ,since he has allways taken baths...but he is afraid to ,so his mom says I will shower with you....as they get into the shower Johny notices that he is diffrent than his momy and ask her? What is that Johny points to her Vagina?
Mom says uhhhhhh uhhhhh thats my wash rag.....so he ask Mom, can I use your wash rag?....Mothers says no you can not....so they finish up the shower and are done and are drying off....Next day....
johny comes home from school and ask his Mom a question, Mom can I play with your wash Rag?...Mom looks all crazy at him and say no you can not play with my wash rag!....oh Mom why not? johny says....
Mom thinks reall quick and says uhhh uhhh I lost it thats it I lost it....Johny then says Mom I will help you find your wash rag...
1 hour goes by 2 hours go by...then all of a sudden Johny comes running in from outside yelling MOM,MOM I found your wash rag.....Mom say oh you did,well where is it....Johny catches his breath and says "The lady next store has it and she is washing Daddy's face".............
Registered User
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 73
From: Oakland
Car Info: 04 STi
One day Pete was complaining to his friend 'my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor'. His friend said 'Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.' Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!
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