OK, let me start off by saying I'm selling my 2004 Beast-aru Forester. My friend, if it were possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Subaru would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that beastly.

If you are looking for a car to conquer mountains, this is YOUR car, but if you're looking for a glorified grocery getter, back off, that's what your Prius is for.

This SUV was engineered by Nth degree ninja pirate super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the super-humans who cheat death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems, heated leather seats, or On Star (I don't even know what On Star is).

This beast comes with the things us fueled super action humans need. It has a 154 HP engine to outrun the cops (only if they are on horses) and a 4 speed automatic transmission. Gear 1 is fast, 2-faster, 3, fastest, 4-literally brake your neck from acceleration. This tank develops so much down force, it will brake the ground it rules upon if you accelerate too quickly. Driving this car is like riding on the back of a fire breathing, human devouring dragon, who's pissed because you stepped on his tail.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $4500 but if you call in the next ten minutes, I'll double YOUR ORDER!! I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $300 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab.

There's only 370² miles on this all-wheel drive hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super beast, Chuck Norris stunt double, then reply to this ad.