This was just too good not to share

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A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down. Luckily for him he sees a gas station; he hikes through the stifling heat and the dusty desert air for what seems like hours until he gets there. He arrives, desperately out of his element in this dry, hot environment, and gasping for breath he asks for a mechanic.

"Well, it just so happens we repair cars here, too" said the guy at the gas station. "Let me have a look at your car. And Jesus, you're a penguin, aren't you?"

"Of course I am," gasped the penguin, knowing that if there were a merciful God in Heaven above he'd be swimming in the cold ocean right now instead of being crammed into some stupid, meaningless joke which will be told so many times that eventually it will lose all humor value so that the person being told the joke will laugh nervously at the joke-teller like they've just raped the joke-hearer's grandmother anally with a shovel and say "haha yeah, it's just ice cream."

"Then you must be incredibly hot, what with not being in Antarctica. You should get inside, grab some ice cream from the freezer. Cool down, little man."

The penguin briefly considered correcting the mechanic, pointing out that he wasn't one of the species of penguin which lives in Antarctica, but he quickly realized the futility in such an action and decided against it. People don't ever really listen anyway; once they've made up their minds there's no way of opening them back up. Besides, correcting people just pisses them off, and the penguin could definitely see himself getting stuck out here in the middle of the desert with an angry mechanic who, knowing his luck, probably had a thing for anally raping penguins.

Instead he went in to get the ice cream. As he ate it he realized that he didn't really need ice cream, that he was already in possession of a little penguin gut. His weight, as his mother might say, was becoming something of a problem. He cried a little as he realized what a pathetic, fat **** he was, and he cried even harder when he remembered his mother getting eaten by that killer whale just a few months prior. He'd never even had a chance to say goodbye to her, and now she was being gradually squirted out of some whale's ******* like yesterday's halibut, and it was technically all his fault. Maybe if he'd visited her more, maybe he could have kept her away from the whale's feeding grounds. If only...

As he sobbed harder his belly jiggled, and this made him cry even harder because he was coming to realize that no woman penguin could ever truly love a lardass like himself and that he'd most likely die alone, trapped between some killer whale's jaws and praying for a quick, painful death which would never come. He knew his death would be slow, painful, and miserable. It was what he deserved, after all. He'd basically killed his mother; why would he deserve better?

He sloppily finished the ice cream and, wiping the tears from his eyes with a flipper, he sauntered out to the mechanic to check out the progress on the car.

"How's it looking?" the penguin asked, sniffling.

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic said, turning around to face the penguin and his ice cream-covered mouth.

"Oh, the car blew a seal," the penguin said. "That's not too bad."

"No, it looks like you crammed a seal's ***** into your mouth and sucked it until the seal ejaculated into your mouth, at which point he pulled out and shot his load all over your lips."

"**** you," the penguin said, fresh tears welling up in his eyes. "Who the **** do you think you are to judge me just because I loved Stan? He loved me, too."

"Yeah, like any penguin would ever be able to love you and that fat *** of yours," said the mechanic, turning back to the car. "Your car will be ready in an hour, you sick little fat ****."

"Oh God," sobbed the penguin, running back into the station to kill his fresh pain with more ice cream.

 

nice twist on a (funny three years ago) joke.

 

funny not found

 

I stopped reading after the mechanic asked the penguin if he wanted some ice-cream. Cliff notes?

 

Start reading where the paragraphs kinda stop and the dialogue starts up again. Thats what I did.

 

i ave a betta one:

a penguin is drivin through da desert whun is auto chills down. luckily fa im he sees a gas station; he ikes through da stiflin eat and da dusty desert air fa wot seems dig ours until he gets there. he arrives, desperately out of is element in dis dry, spunky environment, and gaspin fa breaf he asks fa a mechanic.

"well, it just so appens we repair autos in da house, too" said da geeza at da gas station. "let me ave a check at your auto. and Jackie Chan, yous is a penguin, aren't yous?"

"of course i am," gasped da penguin, knowin dat if there were a merciful Jackie Chan in eavun above e'd be swimmin in da cold ocean right now instead of bein crammed into some bit thick, meaningless joke which will be told so many times dat eventually it will lose all uma value so dat da main man bein told da joke will laugh nervously at da joke-teller dig they've just raped da joke-hearer's nan anally wiv a shovel and say "ha-ha yeah, it's just ice cream."

"thun yous must be incredibly spunky, wot wiv not bein in antarctica. yous should get inside, grab some ice cream from da freeza. wicked down, little geeza."

da penguin briefly considered correctin da mechanic, pointin out dat he wasn't one of da species of penguin which lives in antarctica, but he quickly realized da futility in such an action and decided against it. people don't eva for real listun anyway; once they've made up their minds there's no way of openin them back up. besides, correctin people just pisses them off, and da penguin could for real check imself gettin stuck out in da house in da middle of da desert wiv an menstural mechanic who, knowin is luck, probably did ave a fin fa anally rapin penguins.

instead he went in to get da ice cream. as he ate it he realized dat he didn't for real need ice cream, dat he was already in possession of a little penguin gut. is weight, as is mam might say, was becomin somethin of a problem. he cried a little as he realized wot a pathetic, large ride the punanni he was, and he cried evun arda whun he remembered is mam gettin eatun by dat killa whale just a few months pria. e'd neva evun ad a chance to say bo to a, and now she was bein gradually squirted out of some whale's batty hole dig yesterday's alibut, and it was technically all is fault. maybe if e'd visited a more, maybe he could ave kept a away from da whale's feedin grounds. if only...

as he sobbed arda is belly jiggled, and dis made im cry evun arda coz he was comin to realize dat no ***** penguin could eva for real dig a lardass dig imself and dat e'd mostest likely die alone, trapped betweun some killa whale's jaws and prayin fa a quicrest, painful deaf which would neva come. he knew is deaf would be slow, painful, and miserable. it was wot he deserved, afta all. e'd basically killed is mam; why would he deserve betta?

he sloppily finished da ice cream and, wipin da tears from is eyes wiv a flippa, he sauntered out to da mechanic to check out da progress on da auto.

"how's it checkin?" da penguin asked, snifflin.

"well, it checks dig yous blew a seal," da mechanic said, turnin around to face da penguin and is ice cream-covered mouf.

"oh, da auto blew a seal," da penguin said. "that's not too wicked."

"no, it checks dig yous crammed a seal's dong into your mouf and sucked it until da seal ejaculated into your mouf, at which point he pulled out and shot is load all ova your lips."

"**** yous," da penguin said, fresh tears wellin up in is eyes. "who da **** do yous think yous is to judge me just coz i loved stan? he loved me, too."

"yeah, dig any penguin would eva be able to dig yous and dat large batty of yours," said da mechanic, turnin back to da auto. "your auto will be ready in an our, yous sick little large ride the punanni."

"oh Jackie Chan," sobbed da penguin, runnin back into da station to kill is fresh pain wiv more ice cream.

 

^^
okay, funny definitely found.

 

Scott, thank you. That made my day.

Teh funay was there, fewls!~