OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: My ice cream, it’s locked in the car, and it’s melting.

OnStar: Your ice cream is melting?

Customer: Yes, please hurry! It’s like 200 degrees in there!

OnStar: What kind of ice cream is it, ma’am?

Customer: Rocky road!

OnStar: I’m unlocking the vehicle now, ma’am.

Customer: Hurry! My three-year-old is in the car, too! I’m worried he’s going to eat the ice cream! I don’t want him to get fat! That would reflect poorly on my parenting skills!

OnStar: OK, the vehicle should be unlocked now, ma’am, and I’m just going to go ahead and notify child protective services right now, too.

Customer: Oh my God! Damn it! God!

OnStar: Ma’am? Ma’am? Is everything all right? Should I dispatch an ambulance?

Customer: Ambulance? No, but I could use a Good Humor man, this ****’s totally cashed.


* * *


OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: Hey, so, I got an important package in the trunk, but I think I locked my keys in with it when I was dispatching…er…loading it.

OnStar: Not a problem, sir, I’m unlocking the trunk now.

Customer: [sound of trunk opening] Whooo…Jesus, that stinks!

OnStar: Are you OK, sir?

Customer: Yeah, yeah. I just got to get rid of this package as soon as possible. Say, can you give me directions to an abandoned quarry, or maybe some remote wooded spot where I could leave my package?

OnStar: Sure thing. I’m showing that there’s an empty shaft at an old silver mine three miles southwest of your location.

Customer: Perfect! That’s great, perfect. I’m going to need a car wash, too. Someplace discreet, if you know what I’m saying.

OnStar: Absolutely, sir. You and OnStar are speaking the same language.


* * *


OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: Hi, I have a problem.

OnStar: How can I help, sir?

Customer: I’m…umm…27, and still a virgin.

OnStar: How old are you really, sir?

Customer: Twenty-nine?

OnStar: Sir?

Customer: Thirty-six.

OnStar: [partially off mike] Holy ****!

Customer: [muffled crying]

OnStar: OK, sir, I need you to stay with me and listen very closely. I’m going to ask you some diagnostic questions to pinpoint the problem. Do you own action figures?

Customer: Yes.

OnStar: And if your Grakthorian Troll with +12 charisma and 170 hit points were to be attacked by a gelatinous cube, what would you do?

Customer: I would don my cloak of invisibility and bypass the cube to enter the dungeons of Dalagdon.

OnStar: I think I know the answer to the next one, but they make me run down the whole list. Do you live with your mother, or a spinster aunt?

Customer: Both. [weeping]

OnStar: And how often do you **********?

Customer: What? Never!

OnStar: Sir.

Customer: Three times a day.

OnStar: And do you look at anime comics while you engage in self-pleasure?

Customer: How did you know?

OnStar: Thank you for your patience, sir, I think we’re just about at a solution. What I’m seeing here is that you are going to have to pay for sex. Is this Visa you have on file with us good to use?

Customer: Yeah, uh, it should be…

OnStar: Sounds good. We’ll forward your payment info on to the dispatching office. Now, what I want you to do is drive 6.2 miles north to the corner of Laurel Avenue, and wait there for a “Miss Star.” She’ll be wearing a leopard-skin skirt and an OnStar jacket. She’ll take care of you from there. All right, I just sent the detailed directions to your on-board navigation system.

Customer: Wow, thank you, OnStar! Maybe I can come thank you in person some time!

OnStar: We’d rather you didn’t.


* * *


OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: OnStar, let me explain the situation. I gotta truck filled with 400 cases of illegal Coors beer that I gotta have in Atlanta, Ga., in four hours, and I’m running solo with a smokey on my tail! What in the hell am I gonna do?

OnStar: Uh… Snowman?

Customer: You know it, Bandit good buddy! So are we gonna hit this thing or what?

OnStar: Yee-hah!