HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as
we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This
person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.



HOPE THE SURVIVAL GUIDE HELPS, AS THE WORKPOOP IS AN INEVITABLE PART OF
LIFE.

 

i had to use a port-a-potty when i was in training.

it was like a christmas gift, so be grateful!

 

the port-a-potty was the gift? or the previelage of using one? I wonder if a drill sargent would every say. "Shat in your pants boy, we have no toilets!"

 

dude my bathroom door is in the middle of the office and every one can see

only afew out of the closet guys that go every day

but everyone knows if you poop or not

 

hahaha!!

 

For all the splash problem you basically just do a "red carpet" lay some floatation object for the poop to land on. It'll be like Chinese diving. No splash or minimal.

 

yeah always line the toilet water with a sheet of toilet paper
unless you're gonna bomb it like a b-17 then line it up with more paper hehe

 

What about the Tsunami? Caused when the Watermelon hits the surface of the water and creates a splash bacK????

How do we handle that?

 

I think thats the worse.

The courtesy flush can also save you from clogging the toilet :\ which is the worst thing when youre the only one working at the store

 

hahaha awesome post :rotfl:

 

when can we expect the release of "Shat at the the Girlfriend's House: A How to Guide"?????

 

this is old

 

 

apples poop?

 

PSSHT you dont know
what do you think the bottom is a flower?!?!@?!