Dating Rules
rules to get you some.....
Here are some dating rules that IS2Scooby posted on the hawaii board
rules to get you some....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The point of these rules and regulations is to get more ***** for less money, and to teach women how men think. These rules are not designed to get you a girlfriend or a wife, or to keep either. BUT, if that is your goal, there is still something to be gleaned from the following information.
Dating:
- Three strikes, you’re out.
This means that if a woman does not give up the ***** inside of 3 dates, you’re out. There are far too many women out there that do **** inside of three dates for you to waste your valuable time on the ones that don’t.
- $40 limit.
No date should cost you more than $40 for everything (gas, parking, food, drinks, shows, tips, everything). This is to prevent you from falling into the trap of thinking that if you spend enough money on her, she’ll put out. Let’s face it, if she wants to **** you, she’ll do it without you spending a cent. But if she doesn’t want to **** you, no amount of money spent will change her mind. Keeping that in mind, $40 is your limit, less is better and if you can get her to pay, you’re a pimp.
- Dates happen at night.
Do not accept lunch dates or coffee dates as they are designed to preclude the possibility of sex. If sex isn’t an option, why the hell are you there?
- A round of drinks.
Women that don’t drink are far less likely to put out. Society has taught women two things about sex.
1) Being easy is bad.
2) Saying “I was drunk” is an acceptable excuse for being easy.
Note: I do not recommend getting a woman drunk in order to **** her. I am simply saying that by insuring that she has a few drinks you have provided her the necessary excuse to ****.
- Be in touch with your inner A-hole. No, this does not read “Be an *******”. Being in touch with your inner A-hole is simply leveling the playing field. Refusing to do something for someone just because they don’t have a dick. Examples: Don’t open a door for her unless you get to it first, and you have the right to expect her to do the same. Don’t offer to buy her a drink as a pick up line. (god that is so weak and it never works) Don’t buy her things (flowers, candy, stuffed toys etc). Don’t loan her your coat. And by all means, NEVER hold her purse.
- Sometimes dates go south on you, it’s just a fact of life. Once you realize that is what has happened, don’t bother trying to recover the date, but there’s no reason not to go for the gold. Just say to her; “Look, I know tonight isn’t going well. So what do you say we just go ****, and then move on with our lives?” Odds are low on this one but the risk is almost non-existent. You’re not gonna see her again anyway, so it’s totally cool if she hates you, and if you don't pull the trigger, there’s zero chance you’re gonna get laid. Think of it as a free shot on goal.
Tips for getting in touch with your inner A-hole:
- Eating a full meal before you go out allows you to order very little for dinner. “I’ll just have a side salad, thank you”. Since women are so concerned about how they appear in public, it’s seriously unlikely that she will order more than you. This helps to keep the dinner bill down. Of course, you’ll need an excuse for only ordering a salad, try: “I’m trying to eat a bit more healthy so I’ll look good for you.”
- Coupons are great, use them. Due to the fact that women are generally gold diggers, if she sees you using a coupon, she will find you less attractive as it indicates you don’t have the money that she is looking to siphon off of your wallet. So when you get the bill, you don’t pay at the table, you take the bill and the coupon, to the register and pay there.
- Men and women are not friends unless one or more of the following conditions are met.
- He is gay.
- She is unattractive.
- Sex is a forgone conclusion.
To a woman, a “male friend” is a guy that provides the attention she desires, but has no right to expect anything in return. That being the case, under NO circumstances are you allow a woman think you are her friend. It is up to you to let her know that you have enough friends and that you are interested in her in a romantic sense only. If she insists that you are friends, then stop calling her.
- The bar is the most expensive place in the world to drink, and it’s a difficult place to actually ****. So, try to keep your number of drinks in a bar to a minimum. You’re excuse for not drinking is that you want to get her home safe. Then you offer to take her back to your place for drinks. Remember, this requires that you have chick drinks at your place. Jagermeister, Goldschlager, Rumplemintz, Vodka, Canberry Juice and OJ should cover it, but keeping a bottle of white wine on hand is a good idea (most women can’t drink red wine) but make sure you have wineglasses. Of course, you’ll need to have whatever you drink on had as well.
- Being a bit unreliable boosts your stock. I’m not sure why this is, but I think women generally associate unreliability with the “bad boy” image and it makes them desire you. So, cancel a few dates, and cancel them as late as possible, like a few hours before the agreed upon meeting time. For the dates you show up for, show up 15 to 20 minutes late.
- If a woman begins to carry on a conversation on her cell phone while on a date with you, you can assume she’s setting up another date for later in the night. In other words, you’re footing the bill to provide her with a nice evening, and some other guy (probably me) is gonna get laid for your effort. So, if she begins to carry on a conversation on her phone, quietly excuse yourself and leave. When the two of you are out, you get to be number one, and if she can’t give you that respect, you need to quite wasting your time and money. She can pay for dinners once she realizes you’re gone.
- Women love to “mark” their territory. This is why women leave hair clips, earrings, underwear and tampons behind once they’ve spent the night. Gather all of these things up, and place them in a lost and found box. Whenever a woman asks if you’ve seen her “scrunchy” you simply tell her to check in the lost and found.
- Don’t cuddle. Once you are done, one of you needs to leave. Cuddling leads to sleeping, sleeping leads to waking up with her, which leads to her thinking that you owe her brunch. Be very clear about this, and enforce it.
- Friday and Saturday nights are for women that you have a good chance for ****ing. First dates should take place on other nights of the week.
- You are not available to help them. (move, re-arrange the house, program the VCR, fix their car, etc)
- Ask her what her preferred form of birth control is. If she doesn’t use one (a condom doesn’t count) then you must assume she wants to get pregnant. Time to bail.
- If you’re under 25, you don’t need a girlfriend, you need to go and date more women so that you know what kinds of women are out there, and what kind works best for you. Until that is done, you’re not qualified to determine who is the right woman for you.
No-no’s:
- Never date a single mother. The reason for this is threefold.
1) You already know what she will do in the event she gets pregnant.
2) A woman with a kid is unavailable. You can’t call her at 1 am and say “So… whatcha doing?”
3) The #1 spot is already taken, and there is no chance that you can get it. You’re good enough to be #1 so she’s beneath you.
- Never **** without a condom.
Let me say that again, Never **** without a condom. No matter how much she says, “I just want to feel you” don’t **** her without a condom. But, that’s not enough. When you finish, you must dispose of the condom properly. At her house you flush it. At your house you keep a bottle of Tabasco in the bathroom and you put two drops in the condom, and throw it away. (you don’t want to stop up your own plumbing with condoms)
- NEVER answer your phone on a Friday or Saturday night. These are prime dating nights and you must appear to be busy, whether or not you are. This is what an answering machine is for. That way you can screen your calls and pick up if it’s a buddy. Voicemail is a no-no.
- Never call a girl back the next day. 5 days is the industry standard, and longer is better. This keeps you from being “needy” and makes you more attractive as you clearly have other things going on in your life.
- Never pay a woman a real compliment on her appearance as it builds up her ego, and is likely to make her feel she can do better than you. Instead, you pay them backhanded compliments designed to attack their self-esteem. Examples: “I like a woman with a big ***”, “Most guys don’t like little *****, but I think they look great on you.”, “I like a little meat on my woman”. You get the idea.
- NEVER let a woman think she is the only one. I don’t know why it is, but when women ask “So, are you seeing anyone?” Guys tend to immediately blurt out “No, not me, I’m just dating you!” I don’t know why guys do this, but it’s shooting yourself in the foot. Let her know that she is in competition. Nobody wants to eat in an empty restaurant, and a competitive woman is an attentive woman.
- Any woman that says she only has “guy friends” is a problem. You can **** her, but don’t even consider dating her.
- Never date a woman you work with. When the relationship ends, you will have to see her everyday. And if it ends poorly, your job is at risk. It’s just not worth it.
- Never go with a woman to a concert or show where one of her “friends” is performing. You’re just along so that she doesn’t have to be alone, and she’s going to **** him tonight, not you.
Tips for getting dates:
- Attempting to pick women up at bars is hard work, and a low odds proposition. Instead, approach women when they are not quite so prepared to say “No”. I find that asking women out in an assertive manner yields far better results. Examples: When pumping gas, look around, if you see an attractive woman, ask her out. When shopping, keep you eyes open. The key is, you have to pull the trigger. By being that assertive you are coming across as a self-confident man, and that makes you more attractive.
- Never give out your number, and never ask for hers. If she wants to contact you again, she will insure that happens.
- If you do find yourself approaching a woman at a bar, DO NOT buy her a drink. If you can’t make first contact without bearing gifts, you need to work on your game.
- Don’t try to chat her up, be direct and to the point. “Would you like to go out Thursday night?”, “How about we get out of here?”, “Would you like to come back to my place for a night cap?” etc.
- Look more affluent than you are.
- Feel free to lie about what you do in order to appear more affluent. “I’m an entertainment attorney for Brad Pitt and Lil’ Kim” This works even better if you can call “Brad” at home. (Make sure to discuss this with your buddy BEFORE you call asking for “Brad”
- When considering a woman to run game on, you are looking for 2 factors. How attractive is she, and how is her self-esteem. If these two factors are expressed on a scale from one two 10 (10 being high) they can then be expressed as a ratio; (Level of attractiveness) / (Level of self-esteem). The resultant number dictates how your level of interest in her. Shall we do an example?
You start talking to a hot girl at the bar. While talking to her you discover that she’s concerned about her weight. (Level of attractiveness) / (Level of self-esteem) = 9/3 = 3 Not bad, but we can do better.
A hot girl that will talk to you, but not look up from the floor = 9/2 = 4.5 Now we’re talking!
A super model that was raped by her uncle as she was growing up = 10/1 = 10 Hell yeah!
Things you should know about women:
- If a woman says you’re a “nice guy”, or “a friend” she is not going to **** you.
- Women don’t know how to say “No”. So, anytime a woman says; “Maybe”, “We’ll see”, “We can talk about it”, or “I’ll think about it” it means “No”.
- Women are the cheapest creatures on the face of the planet. (Why else are they gold diggers?)
- As a rule, the more attractive a woman is, the lower her self-esteem is. Remember, we are looking for women whose self-esteem is so low, that she will even **** you.
- Women are like dog ****, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
For the Ladies:
- When we ask you out, it’s not because we think you did well on your SAT. We are asking you out because we want to **** the hell out of you. So stop pretending that we like you as a person when we don’t even know you.
- The longer you hold out, the lower our interest level goes. Think about it. We meet you at a party. We spend the evening talking to you. Through our conversation we discover that you are very cool and interesting. Obviously we find you attractive, or we wouldn’t be talking to you in the first place (exclusions made for very drunk conversations) As the night comes to a close we take you home where you promptly **** our brains out.
Now, here’s the question; Do you really think we get up the next morning and think to ourselves “Well, she’s hot, she’s cool, she’s interesting, but I can’t date her because she ****ed me when I wanted her to.”?
Ladies, IT’S NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!
If we don’t call you back, it’s because we don’t like you. Hell, if you’re a good enough lay, we might even call you back when we don’t like you. ****ing us only improves your odds of a call back. Holding out makes you less attractive. Which is your preference? (No, there are no other options)
- When you’re in bed with a guy, and he’s not doing something right, don’t just take it, and don’t just avoid it. Tell us what the **** you want. This may come as a surprise to you, but the same **** you don’t like, was exactly what last night’s girl loved. Newsflash; you’re all ****ing different and unless you tell us what you like, we don’t have a ****ing clue and we’re just running through our bag of tricks hoping to get lucky. Next time, you tell us what to suck, where to suck, how hard to suck, and for how long. Trust me, we’re okay with that.
- We know you like to ****, and we know that you are conflicted by some antiquated rule that your mothers taught you, Something about, it’s not acceptable for you to just want to ****. Trust me on this one, it’s totally okay for you to want to ****, and we will help you out.
- When it comes to picking up a guy, it’s really easy, all you have to do is communicate clearly. Damn, I’m sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. Okay, here is what you do. You find a guy and repeat this line to him:
“Hi, I find you attractive and I would like to take you home.”
I promise that you won’t have to say this line to more than two guys before you have what you want. You don’t think so? Fine, try it, then email me at ihatejt@hotmail.com and tell me how wrong I am.
- Guys are very simple. When we’re thirsty, we want a drink; when we’re hungry, we want to eat; when we’re tired, we want to sleep; and when we’re horny, we want to ****. Is that really so damn hard?
- Guys think that women who expect us to pay for dinners, drinks, movies, clubs, etc before you go down on us, are ******. We know this because we have had girls **** us because they wanted to, not because we bought them off.
- Your ***** is no better than the one we had last night, so stop thinking you’re special.
- This is an important, so read this carefully.
It is very rare that a guy goes out looking for a relationship. This is just how we are different from you. This is how it works for us: We go out and date women. As we go about this we meet lots of different women, some we like, some… not so much. The odds are that eventually we come across a woman that we really enjoy being around. Because of that we seek to spend more time with her. By definition, the more time we spend with her, the less time we have available to spend with other women. And then, one day, we wake up and realize we have a girlfriend.
What does this mean to you? Simple, it means that the best way to get a boyfriend is by being so cool, so good in bed, so fun, so sexy, so attractive that we want to spend more time with you. If you find that guys don’t really want to spend that kind of time with you, it may be because you Can’t Understand Normal Thinking. Consider making drastic changes.
- If you’re gonna wear short skirts and low cut tops, expect us to look and don’t ***** about it when a guy you don’t find attractive stairs at your *******. You’re advertising in public, and the public is going to take notice, so shut up about it.
- YOU are responsible for your own orgasms. If you’re not getting off, check yourself before you blame us. Sure, some guys are so bad, they can’t get the job done, but let’s face it, when you’re laying on your back and we’re pumping away, you’re not doing a lot for us, we’re doing all the work. So don’t be shocked when we bust a nut and you’re left wanting. Get your **** together and make sure you get yours.
Worse case scenario:
So, you slipped on by the goalie and you knocked her up. That sucks donkey dick. Before you take another breath you need to come to a very harsh realization: Women are the only ones that get to make a decision about making you a parent, you will be forced to fund it. So, what do you do?
Here are a few options.
- The straight shot.
Simply tell her that you’re not ready to be a father and you would like her to get an abortion. When you do this you had better know damn well where to go, when it can be done, and how much it costs.
- The scare.
Borrow a young baby, and let her take care of it for 48 hrs during a workweek.
- The Hail Mary
Become her idea of a perfect boyfriend. Then let her know that you love her and that you want to have children with her, but that you want to do it right. You don’t want to have to explain to your kid why it was born less than 9 months after the wedding. You don’t even know where you can get a maternity wedding dress. You’re parents won’t approve. Her parents won’t approve.
BUT… If the two of you wait until your careers are more established, you own a house and you can afford to do it right, then the two of you can have children.
If this works, take her down, get the abortion, and break up with her on the way home. You already know how she feels about having a kid and you don’t need that **** in your life.
rules to get you some....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The point of these rules and regulations is to get more ***** for less money, and to teach women how men think. These rules are not designed to get you a girlfriend or a wife, or to keep either. BUT, if that is your goal, there is still something to be gleaned from the following information.
Dating:
- Three strikes, you’re out.
This means that if a woman does not give up the ***** inside of 3 dates, you’re out. There are far too many women out there that do **** inside of three dates for you to waste your valuable time on the ones that don’t.
- $40 limit.
No date should cost you more than $40 for everything (gas, parking, food, drinks, shows, tips, everything). This is to prevent you from falling into the trap of thinking that if you spend enough money on her, she’ll put out. Let’s face it, if she wants to **** you, she’ll do it without you spending a cent. But if she doesn’t want to **** you, no amount of money spent will change her mind. Keeping that in mind, $40 is your limit, less is better and if you can get her to pay, you’re a pimp.
- Dates happen at night.
Do not accept lunch dates or coffee dates as they are designed to preclude the possibility of sex. If sex isn’t an option, why the hell are you there?
- A round of drinks.
Women that don’t drink are far less likely to put out. Society has taught women two things about sex.
1) Being easy is bad.
2) Saying “I was drunk” is an acceptable excuse for being easy.
Note: I do not recommend getting a woman drunk in order to **** her. I am simply saying that by insuring that she has a few drinks you have provided her the necessary excuse to ****.
- Be in touch with your inner A-hole. No, this does not read “Be an *******”. Being in touch with your inner A-hole is simply leveling the playing field. Refusing to do something for someone just because they don’t have a dick. Examples: Don’t open a door for her unless you get to it first, and you have the right to expect her to do the same. Don’t offer to buy her a drink as a pick up line. (god that is so weak and it never works) Don’t buy her things (flowers, candy, stuffed toys etc). Don’t loan her your coat. And by all means, NEVER hold her purse.
- Sometimes dates go south on you, it’s just a fact of life. Once you realize that is what has happened, don’t bother trying to recover the date, but there’s no reason not to go for the gold. Just say to her; “Look, I know tonight isn’t going well. So what do you say we just go ****, and then move on with our lives?” Odds are low on this one but the risk is almost non-existent. You’re not gonna see her again anyway, so it’s totally cool if she hates you, and if you don't pull the trigger, there’s zero chance you’re gonna get laid. Think of it as a free shot on goal.
Tips for getting in touch with your inner A-hole:
- Eating a full meal before you go out allows you to order very little for dinner. “I’ll just have a side salad, thank you”. Since women are so concerned about how they appear in public, it’s seriously unlikely that she will order more than you. This helps to keep the dinner bill down. Of course, you’ll need an excuse for only ordering a salad, try: “I’m trying to eat a bit more healthy so I’ll look good for you.”
- Coupons are great, use them. Due to the fact that women are generally gold diggers, if she sees you using a coupon, she will find you less attractive as it indicates you don’t have the money that she is looking to siphon off of your wallet. So when you get the bill, you don’t pay at the table, you take the bill and the coupon, to the register and pay there.
- Men and women are not friends unless one or more of the following conditions are met.
- He is gay.
- She is unattractive.
- Sex is a forgone conclusion.
To a woman, a “male friend” is a guy that provides the attention she desires, but has no right to expect anything in return. That being the case, under NO circumstances are you allow a woman think you are her friend. It is up to you to let her know that you have enough friends and that you are interested in her in a romantic sense only. If she insists that you are friends, then stop calling her.
- The bar is the most expensive place in the world to drink, and it’s a difficult place to actually ****. So, try to keep your number of drinks in a bar to a minimum. You’re excuse for not drinking is that you want to get her home safe. Then you offer to take her back to your place for drinks. Remember, this requires that you have chick drinks at your place. Jagermeister, Goldschlager, Rumplemintz, Vodka, Canberry Juice and OJ should cover it, but keeping a bottle of white wine on hand is a good idea (most women can’t drink red wine) but make sure you have wineglasses. Of course, you’ll need to have whatever you drink on had as well.
- Being a bit unreliable boosts your stock. I’m not sure why this is, but I think women generally associate unreliability with the “bad boy” image and it makes them desire you. So, cancel a few dates, and cancel them as late as possible, like a few hours before the agreed upon meeting time. For the dates you show up for, show up 15 to 20 minutes late.
- If a woman begins to carry on a conversation on her cell phone while on a date with you, you can assume she’s setting up another date for later in the night. In other words, you’re footing the bill to provide her with a nice evening, and some other guy (probably me) is gonna get laid for your effort. So, if she begins to carry on a conversation on her phone, quietly excuse yourself and leave. When the two of you are out, you get to be number one, and if she can’t give you that respect, you need to quite wasting your time and money. She can pay for dinners once she realizes you’re gone.
- Women love to “mark” their territory. This is why women leave hair clips, earrings, underwear and tampons behind once they’ve spent the night. Gather all of these things up, and place them in a lost and found box. Whenever a woman asks if you’ve seen her “scrunchy” you simply tell her to check in the lost and found.
- Don’t cuddle. Once you are done, one of you needs to leave. Cuddling leads to sleeping, sleeping leads to waking up with her, which leads to her thinking that you owe her brunch. Be very clear about this, and enforce it.
- Friday and Saturday nights are for women that you have a good chance for ****ing. First dates should take place on other nights of the week.
- You are not available to help them. (move, re-arrange the house, program the VCR, fix their car, etc)
- Ask her what her preferred form of birth control is. If she doesn’t use one (a condom doesn’t count) then you must assume she wants to get pregnant. Time to bail.
- If you’re under 25, you don’t need a girlfriend, you need to go and date more women so that you know what kinds of women are out there, and what kind works best for you. Until that is done, you’re not qualified to determine who is the right woman for you.
No-no’s:
- Never date a single mother. The reason for this is threefold.
1) You already know what she will do in the event she gets pregnant.
2) A woman with a kid is unavailable. You can’t call her at 1 am and say “So… whatcha doing?”
3) The #1 spot is already taken, and there is no chance that you can get it. You’re good enough to be #1 so she’s beneath you.
- Never **** without a condom.
Let me say that again, Never **** without a condom. No matter how much she says, “I just want to feel you” don’t **** her without a condom. But, that’s not enough. When you finish, you must dispose of the condom properly. At her house you flush it. At your house you keep a bottle of Tabasco in the bathroom and you put two drops in the condom, and throw it away. (you don’t want to stop up your own plumbing with condoms)
- NEVER answer your phone on a Friday or Saturday night. These are prime dating nights and you must appear to be busy, whether or not you are. This is what an answering machine is for. That way you can screen your calls and pick up if it’s a buddy. Voicemail is a no-no.
- Never call a girl back the next day. 5 days is the industry standard, and longer is better. This keeps you from being “needy” and makes you more attractive as you clearly have other things going on in your life.
- Never pay a woman a real compliment on her appearance as it builds up her ego, and is likely to make her feel she can do better than you. Instead, you pay them backhanded compliments designed to attack their self-esteem. Examples: “I like a woman with a big ***”, “Most guys don’t like little *****, but I think they look great on you.”, “I like a little meat on my woman”. You get the idea.
- NEVER let a woman think she is the only one. I don’t know why it is, but when women ask “So, are you seeing anyone?” Guys tend to immediately blurt out “No, not me, I’m just dating you!” I don’t know why guys do this, but it’s shooting yourself in the foot. Let her know that she is in competition. Nobody wants to eat in an empty restaurant, and a competitive woman is an attentive woman.
- Any woman that says she only has “guy friends” is a problem. You can **** her, but don’t even consider dating her.
- Never date a woman you work with. When the relationship ends, you will have to see her everyday. And if it ends poorly, your job is at risk. It’s just not worth it.
- Never go with a woman to a concert or show where one of her “friends” is performing. You’re just along so that she doesn’t have to be alone, and she’s going to **** him tonight, not you.
Tips for getting dates:
- Attempting to pick women up at bars is hard work, and a low odds proposition. Instead, approach women when they are not quite so prepared to say “No”. I find that asking women out in an assertive manner yields far better results. Examples: When pumping gas, look around, if you see an attractive woman, ask her out. When shopping, keep you eyes open. The key is, you have to pull the trigger. By being that assertive you are coming across as a self-confident man, and that makes you more attractive.
- Never give out your number, and never ask for hers. If she wants to contact you again, she will insure that happens.
- If you do find yourself approaching a woman at a bar, DO NOT buy her a drink. If you can’t make first contact without bearing gifts, you need to work on your game.
- Don’t try to chat her up, be direct and to the point. “Would you like to go out Thursday night?”, “How about we get out of here?”, “Would you like to come back to my place for a night cap?” etc.
- Look more affluent than you are.
- Feel free to lie about what you do in order to appear more affluent. “I’m an entertainment attorney for Brad Pitt and Lil’ Kim” This works even better if you can call “Brad” at home. (Make sure to discuss this with your buddy BEFORE you call asking for “Brad”
- When considering a woman to run game on, you are looking for 2 factors. How attractive is she, and how is her self-esteem. If these two factors are expressed on a scale from one two 10 (10 being high) they can then be expressed as a ratio; (Level of attractiveness) / (Level of self-esteem). The resultant number dictates how your level of interest in her. Shall we do an example?
You start talking to a hot girl at the bar. While talking to her you discover that she’s concerned about her weight. (Level of attractiveness) / (Level of self-esteem) = 9/3 = 3 Not bad, but we can do better.
A hot girl that will talk to you, but not look up from the floor = 9/2 = 4.5 Now we’re talking!
A super model that was raped by her uncle as she was growing up = 10/1 = 10 Hell yeah!
Things you should know about women:
- If a woman says you’re a “nice guy”, or “a friend” she is not going to **** you.
- Women don’t know how to say “No”. So, anytime a woman says; “Maybe”, “We’ll see”, “We can talk about it”, or “I’ll think about it” it means “No”.
- Women are the cheapest creatures on the face of the planet. (Why else are they gold diggers?)
- As a rule, the more attractive a woman is, the lower her self-esteem is. Remember, we are looking for women whose self-esteem is so low, that she will even **** you.
- Women are like dog ****, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
For the Ladies:
- When we ask you out, it’s not because we think you did well on your SAT. We are asking you out because we want to **** the hell out of you. So stop pretending that we like you as a person when we don’t even know you.
- The longer you hold out, the lower our interest level goes. Think about it. We meet you at a party. We spend the evening talking to you. Through our conversation we discover that you are very cool and interesting. Obviously we find you attractive, or we wouldn’t be talking to you in the first place (exclusions made for very drunk conversations) As the night comes to a close we take you home where you promptly **** our brains out.
Now, here’s the question; Do you really think we get up the next morning and think to ourselves “Well, she’s hot, she’s cool, she’s interesting, but I can’t date her because she ****ed me when I wanted her to.”?
Ladies, IT’S NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!
If we don’t call you back, it’s because we don’t like you. Hell, if you’re a good enough lay, we might even call you back when we don’t like you. ****ing us only improves your odds of a call back. Holding out makes you less attractive. Which is your preference? (No, there are no other options)
- When you’re in bed with a guy, and he’s not doing something right, don’t just take it, and don’t just avoid it. Tell us what the **** you want. This may come as a surprise to you, but the same **** you don’t like, was exactly what last night’s girl loved. Newsflash; you’re all ****ing different and unless you tell us what you like, we don’t have a ****ing clue and we’re just running through our bag of tricks hoping to get lucky. Next time, you tell us what to suck, where to suck, how hard to suck, and for how long. Trust me, we’re okay with that.
- We know you like to ****, and we know that you are conflicted by some antiquated rule that your mothers taught you, Something about, it’s not acceptable for you to just want to ****. Trust me on this one, it’s totally okay for you to want to ****, and we will help you out.
- When it comes to picking up a guy, it’s really easy, all you have to do is communicate clearly. Damn, I’m sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. Okay, here is what you do. You find a guy and repeat this line to him:
“Hi, I find you attractive and I would like to take you home.”
I promise that you won’t have to say this line to more than two guys before you have what you want. You don’t think so? Fine, try it, then email me at ihatejt@hotmail.com and tell me how wrong I am.
- Guys are very simple. When we’re thirsty, we want a drink; when we’re hungry, we want to eat; when we’re tired, we want to sleep; and when we’re horny, we want to ****. Is that really so damn hard?
- Guys think that women who expect us to pay for dinners, drinks, movies, clubs, etc before you go down on us, are ******. We know this because we have had girls **** us because they wanted to, not because we bought them off.
- Your ***** is no better than the one we had last night, so stop thinking you’re special.
- This is an important, so read this carefully.
It is very rare that a guy goes out looking for a relationship. This is just how we are different from you. This is how it works for us: We go out and date women. As we go about this we meet lots of different women, some we like, some… not so much. The odds are that eventually we come across a woman that we really enjoy being around. Because of that we seek to spend more time with her. By definition, the more time we spend with her, the less time we have available to spend with other women. And then, one day, we wake up and realize we have a girlfriend.
What does this mean to you? Simple, it means that the best way to get a boyfriend is by being so cool, so good in bed, so fun, so sexy, so attractive that we want to spend more time with you. If you find that guys don’t really want to spend that kind of time with you, it may be because you Can’t Understand Normal Thinking. Consider making drastic changes.
- If you’re gonna wear short skirts and low cut tops, expect us to look and don’t ***** about it when a guy you don’t find attractive stairs at your *******. You’re advertising in public, and the public is going to take notice, so shut up about it.
- YOU are responsible for your own orgasms. If you’re not getting off, check yourself before you blame us. Sure, some guys are so bad, they can’t get the job done, but let’s face it, when you’re laying on your back and we’re pumping away, you’re not doing a lot for us, we’re doing all the work. So don’t be shocked when we bust a nut and you’re left wanting. Get your **** together and make sure you get yours.
Worse case scenario:
So, you slipped on by the goalie and you knocked her up. That sucks donkey dick. Before you take another breath you need to come to a very harsh realization: Women are the only ones that get to make a decision about making you a parent, you will be forced to fund it. So, what do you do?
Here are a few options.
- The straight shot.
Simply tell her that you’re not ready to be a father and you would like her to get an abortion. When you do this you had better know damn well where to go, when it can be done, and how much it costs.
- The scare.
Borrow a young baby, and let her take care of it for 48 hrs during a workweek.
- The Hail Mary
Become her idea of a perfect boyfriend. Then let her know that you love her and that you want to have children with her, but that you want to do it right. You don’t want to have to explain to your kid why it was born less than 9 months after the wedding. You don’t even know where you can get a maternity wedding dress. You’re parents won’t approve. Her parents won’t approve.
BUT… If the two of you wait until your careers are more established, you own a house and you can afford to do it right, then the two of you can have children.
If this works, take her down, get the abortion, and break up with her on the way home. You already know how she feels about having a kid and you don’t need that **** in your life.
Last edited by c279a; Nov 6, 2005 at 12:23 PM.
VIP Member
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 12,422
From: Teh Phantom Zone
Car Info: 2013 Toyota Prius Plug In 2011 Toyota Prius
and for the people affraid to go out on dates, or you can't get juan. You know who you are.
http://www.collegesexadvice.com/suck-dick.shtml
How to Suck Your Own *****
How many times have you looked at a dog licking his private parts and thought, “Hmm, if only I could do that”? You’re not alone. Rest assured that most, if not all men have thought the exact same thing. Some have even attempted it. But despite the interest, few men discuss the act of autofellatio, or self-sucking. So here’s a guide to tell you everything you want to know about the art of solo sucking.
Because They Can
Some people, especially women, may wonder why guys would want to give themselves a BJ. The answer is pretty simple – it’s the same reason why dogs lick themselves down there…because they can. A self-service ******* is just like masturbation, only better. You get all the stimulation of a hot, wet mouth, but you get it just the way you like it. On the downside, there are no surprises, and self-sucking may kind of be like trying to tickle yourself…but on the upside, there are no bad surprises, like scraping teeth or sloppy technique. Additionally, a lot of guys get turned on by ejaculating on themselves and even swallowing their own ***. Self-sucking gives you the most efficient delivery method if you’re into eating your own.
You’ve Got to Flex It
In order to suck yourself off, you need to have one of two things (preferably both): a very flexible spine, or a very long dick. Having a longer ***** obviously makes self-sucking easier by decreasing the distance from your **** head to your mouth, so the longer your dick, the less you have to bend. However, since ***** length is something you either have or don’t, we’ll concentrate on what you can do to increase your spinal flexibility.
Fortunately, in order to self-suck, you don’t have to have an enormous ****. Many guys who are just average sized (5 to 6 inches hard) can do it. Unless you were born double-jointed or have been practicing yoga for the last 10 years, it will probably take some time and practice to get your dick and your mouth to meet up. Other prerequisites are overall health of your back and neck. If you have a slipped disk, misaligned vertebrae, or any other chronic back problem, we don’t advise attempting autofellatio. Even those with healthy and normal backs need to exercise caution and not push themselves when self-sucking to avoid back injuries. Besides a bad back, having a huge gut is another impediment to self-sucking. You can probably work around a small beer belly, but if you have a major overhang, it’s going to get in the way and block you from your goal. So, if you’re not quite in shape, start reaching for your toes and crunching those abs.
Get in Position
The easiest and probably most effective position for autofellatio is lying on your back. You’ll probably want to use a bed, sofa, or other cushioned surface for comfort, although practicing on a carpeted floor can sometimes give you better leverage. You should have a wall or a headboard nearby to brace your feet against. Lie down (naked, of course) with the top of your head at least a foot from the wall. Pull your legs up and roll back onto your shoulders, raising your legs over your head. Brace your feet on the wall and “walk” your way down until your crotch is close to your face. Lift your head up if necessary to get closer. If your back feels tight, don’t strain to reach your ****, even if it’s tantalizingly close. Just let your muscles stretch. You may want to use one hand to pull your **** closer. Suck what you can, if you can – otherwise, just **** and keep practicing.
A variation on this position is the gravity-assisted method, where you simply lie back, throw your legs up over your head, and let gravity pull them down. To help out, you can hook one or both arms behind your knees and pull towards you. Don’t pull too hard or strain yourself. With both of these positions, be careful about putting too much pressure on your neck or pulling on it too hard.
If you can get your mouth around your **** head, you’re doing great. Just use your tongue and lips to stimulate yourself. The **** head is the most sensitive part of your dick anyway. If you are able to get your mouth around a significant portion of your ****, you can either move your head up and down to get a sucking rhythm going, or flex your legs and back to move your lower body up and down. Probably you will want to alternate these to avoid fatiguing your neck or back.
The seated position is another good one for autofellatio beginners. Simply sit on the edge of a chair, couch, or bed, and bend down towards your dick, curving your back. Be sure you suck in your gut to get it out of the way. Grab onto the edge of whatever you’re sitting on and use it to pull yourself further down. Or hook an arm under your knees and pull up. You may want to keep one hand on your dick to steady it, or to pull it upwards towards your mouth. In this position you need to use a bobbing motion of your head or upper body to go down on yourself. Again, don’t strain your back or neck or move too suddenly.
Tantric Yoga for One
If you’re already really flexible, or you’ve mastered the basic positions and are ready to move on, you can try a more advanced posture. In the lying position, place your knees on either side of your head and see how far down you can lower your crotch. Some guys are so limber they can get their ***** in their mouths. Those with really flexible hip joints can attempt the human pretzel maneuver, where you put your feet up over your head and essentially fold yourself in half, then lock your legs into position by crossing your feet behind your head.
Standing positions are also more challenging. Start by leaning your back against a wall for support and doubling over. You can clasp your hands behind your thighs and pull down to get yourself closer. As you get more flexible and improve your balance, stand away from the wall and reach down and grasp your calves for stability.
Taking yoga classes or practicing yoga at home is actually a good idea for improving your mobility and range of motion for self-sucking. Many yoga postures, such as the plow (lying with your feet extended over your head) lend themselves naturally to autofellatio. Just try not to think about it too much during yoga class so you don’t pop a boner.
OK, Now What?
Once you’ve got your dick in your mouth, what do you do? Even if you don’t have cocksucking experience, we assume most of you won’t have much trouble figuring this one out, but here are some suggestions if you need them. Run the tip of your tongue around the head of your ****, or under your foreskin if you’re uncut. Stick the tip of your tongue in the **** slit. Try licking and tickling the frenulum, which is on the underside of your **** head (the top side, from a self-sucking perspective). Wrap your lips around the **** head and apply suction. Suck in more and pull your **** in past your lips, then pop it in and out. If you’re long enough or limber enough, go ahead and try deep-throating it.
More Tips
Self-sucking can be strenuous and physically demanding. Here are other tips to help you get ready and warmed up:
Stretch before your session; make sure you stretch the muscles of your back, neck, and legs to avoid cramping or pulled muscles.
Drink plenty of water to keep your muscles hydrated; this also prevents cramping, injuries, and fatigue.
Make sure your stomach is empty; wait an hour or two after a meal, and empty your bowels if possible. It’ll be more comfortable and your stomach contents won’t get in the way when you double over.
Don’t strain yourself and stop if you feel any pain.
Vary positions to avoid putting too much strain or pressure on the same muscles and parts of your spine.
If At First You Don’t Succeed
Don’t be disappointed if you can’t get your mouth on your **** the first time you try autofellatio. Self-sucking doesn’t come naturally to everyone. It can take discipline and practice, but as you keep at it, you will become more flexible. If at first you don’t succeed, just **** yourself off and call it good. The next time you’ll get a little closer to your goal. Some statistics say that only 1% of all men can self-suck, but we think that with practice and stretching, most guys should be able to at least make some mouth-to-**** contact, even if it’s only on the tip of the head. If nothing else, practicing self-sucking will make you more flexible and possibly increase your overall well-being. So take it slow, work with what you’ve got, and try to have fun.
http://www.collegesexadvice.com/suck-dick.shtml
How to Suck Your Own *****
How many times have you looked at a dog licking his private parts and thought, “Hmm, if only I could do that”? You’re not alone. Rest assured that most, if not all men have thought the exact same thing. Some have even attempted it. But despite the interest, few men discuss the act of autofellatio, or self-sucking. So here’s a guide to tell you everything you want to know about the art of solo sucking.
Because They Can
Some people, especially women, may wonder why guys would want to give themselves a BJ. The answer is pretty simple – it’s the same reason why dogs lick themselves down there…because they can. A self-service ******* is just like masturbation, only better. You get all the stimulation of a hot, wet mouth, but you get it just the way you like it. On the downside, there are no surprises, and self-sucking may kind of be like trying to tickle yourself…but on the upside, there are no bad surprises, like scraping teeth or sloppy technique. Additionally, a lot of guys get turned on by ejaculating on themselves and even swallowing their own ***. Self-sucking gives you the most efficient delivery method if you’re into eating your own.
You’ve Got to Flex It
In order to suck yourself off, you need to have one of two things (preferably both): a very flexible spine, or a very long dick. Having a longer ***** obviously makes self-sucking easier by decreasing the distance from your **** head to your mouth, so the longer your dick, the less you have to bend. However, since ***** length is something you either have or don’t, we’ll concentrate on what you can do to increase your spinal flexibility.
Fortunately, in order to self-suck, you don’t have to have an enormous ****. Many guys who are just average sized (5 to 6 inches hard) can do it. Unless you were born double-jointed or have been practicing yoga for the last 10 years, it will probably take some time and practice to get your dick and your mouth to meet up. Other prerequisites are overall health of your back and neck. If you have a slipped disk, misaligned vertebrae, or any other chronic back problem, we don’t advise attempting autofellatio. Even those with healthy and normal backs need to exercise caution and not push themselves when self-sucking to avoid back injuries. Besides a bad back, having a huge gut is another impediment to self-sucking. You can probably work around a small beer belly, but if you have a major overhang, it’s going to get in the way and block you from your goal. So, if you’re not quite in shape, start reaching for your toes and crunching those abs.
Get in Position
The easiest and probably most effective position for autofellatio is lying on your back. You’ll probably want to use a bed, sofa, or other cushioned surface for comfort, although practicing on a carpeted floor can sometimes give you better leverage. You should have a wall or a headboard nearby to brace your feet against. Lie down (naked, of course) with the top of your head at least a foot from the wall. Pull your legs up and roll back onto your shoulders, raising your legs over your head. Brace your feet on the wall and “walk” your way down until your crotch is close to your face. Lift your head up if necessary to get closer. If your back feels tight, don’t strain to reach your ****, even if it’s tantalizingly close. Just let your muscles stretch. You may want to use one hand to pull your **** closer. Suck what you can, if you can – otherwise, just **** and keep practicing.
A variation on this position is the gravity-assisted method, where you simply lie back, throw your legs up over your head, and let gravity pull them down. To help out, you can hook one or both arms behind your knees and pull towards you. Don’t pull too hard or strain yourself. With both of these positions, be careful about putting too much pressure on your neck or pulling on it too hard.
If you can get your mouth around your **** head, you’re doing great. Just use your tongue and lips to stimulate yourself. The **** head is the most sensitive part of your dick anyway. If you are able to get your mouth around a significant portion of your ****, you can either move your head up and down to get a sucking rhythm going, or flex your legs and back to move your lower body up and down. Probably you will want to alternate these to avoid fatiguing your neck or back.
The seated position is another good one for autofellatio beginners. Simply sit on the edge of a chair, couch, or bed, and bend down towards your dick, curving your back. Be sure you suck in your gut to get it out of the way. Grab onto the edge of whatever you’re sitting on and use it to pull yourself further down. Or hook an arm under your knees and pull up. You may want to keep one hand on your dick to steady it, or to pull it upwards towards your mouth. In this position you need to use a bobbing motion of your head or upper body to go down on yourself. Again, don’t strain your back or neck or move too suddenly.
Tantric Yoga for One
If you’re already really flexible, or you’ve mastered the basic positions and are ready to move on, you can try a more advanced posture. In the lying position, place your knees on either side of your head and see how far down you can lower your crotch. Some guys are so limber they can get their ***** in their mouths. Those with really flexible hip joints can attempt the human pretzel maneuver, where you put your feet up over your head and essentially fold yourself in half, then lock your legs into position by crossing your feet behind your head.
Standing positions are also more challenging. Start by leaning your back against a wall for support and doubling over. You can clasp your hands behind your thighs and pull down to get yourself closer. As you get more flexible and improve your balance, stand away from the wall and reach down and grasp your calves for stability.
Taking yoga classes or practicing yoga at home is actually a good idea for improving your mobility and range of motion for self-sucking. Many yoga postures, such as the plow (lying with your feet extended over your head) lend themselves naturally to autofellatio. Just try not to think about it too much during yoga class so you don’t pop a boner.
OK, Now What?
Once you’ve got your dick in your mouth, what do you do? Even if you don’t have cocksucking experience, we assume most of you won’t have much trouble figuring this one out, but here are some suggestions if you need them. Run the tip of your tongue around the head of your ****, or under your foreskin if you’re uncut. Stick the tip of your tongue in the **** slit. Try licking and tickling the frenulum, which is on the underside of your **** head (the top side, from a self-sucking perspective). Wrap your lips around the **** head and apply suction. Suck in more and pull your **** in past your lips, then pop it in and out. If you’re long enough or limber enough, go ahead and try deep-throating it.
More Tips
Self-sucking can be strenuous and physically demanding. Here are other tips to help you get ready and warmed up:
Stretch before your session; make sure you stretch the muscles of your back, neck, and legs to avoid cramping or pulled muscles.
Drink plenty of water to keep your muscles hydrated; this also prevents cramping, injuries, and fatigue.
Make sure your stomach is empty; wait an hour or two after a meal, and empty your bowels if possible. It’ll be more comfortable and your stomach contents won’t get in the way when you double over.
Don’t strain yourself and stop if you feel any pain.
Vary positions to avoid putting too much strain or pressure on the same muscles and parts of your spine.
If At First You Don’t Succeed
Don’t be disappointed if you can’t get your mouth on your **** the first time you try autofellatio. Self-sucking doesn’t come naturally to everyone. It can take discipline and practice, but as you keep at it, you will become more flexible. If at first you don’t succeed, just **** yourself off and call it good. The next time you’ll get a little closer to your goal. Some statistics say that only 1% of all men can self-suck, but we think that with practice and stretching, most guys should be able to at least make some mouth-to-**** contact, even if it’s only on the tip of the head. If nothing else, practicing self-sucking will make you more flexible and possibly increase your overall well-being. So take it slow, work with what you’ve got, and try to have fun.
Originally Posted by soggynoodles
so wait.. you're posting dating tips..
I'm trying to hold back....
I'm trying to hold back....
I found this on the hawaii board and posted it here for everyjuan else to see fool....don't tell me the metro has advice for dating too...
Token Toyota Mod
iTrader: (50)
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 52,306
From: Palo Alto, CA
Car Info: Something german
Originally Posted by c279a
I found this on the hawaii board and posted it here for everyjuan else to see fool....don't tell me the metro has advice for dating too...
Ok here's my advice..
1. Be yourself.
The end.
