I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked

loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned

around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a

word... he knew better.

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX



An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage
insurance.

He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow
as

best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He
came

back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC



I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and

wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked

adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so

well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas

cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing

hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at
the

photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had
captured

my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!

Name Withheld (go figure)



I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf *****. I was

unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several

minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
at

the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at
him

and said, "I think I like playing with men's *****."

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI



Nuts about You

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety

of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the
counter

asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your
nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned

beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD



While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some

pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after

receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that

if she did not start behaving "right now"she would be punished. To my

horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after
this

enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I

mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my

daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me
were

screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson,Stafford, Virginia

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got
up

to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine

her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out
for

all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER
SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently

misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like
tone, a

voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN
WITH

YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov



Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old

son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It
was

very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled

something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and

she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a

while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept
thinking,

"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with

me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No,"

he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell

was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down
his

pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST

FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing!

He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel

better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very

embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before

she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story...We

had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed

and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8

inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the
set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!