Putting the word "Amphetamines" on your CV, regardless of context, is not likely to get you an interview.

Trish, Watford




Only 60% of people in internet chat rooms actually laugh out loud when they type LOL. Significantly fewer roll on the floor laughing, approximately 12%, though its hard to measure as they generally fall out of view of the web cams used to gather the information. But, by far the most disturbing trend is the 5% to 6% of the Internet Chat Room Populace that have begun to laugh their asses off. ER rooms in America & A&E in Britain have reported a 4 fold increase in the amount of Internet Related *** Prosthesis (IRAP). The problem is compounded by huge numbers of people falsely claiming to LMAO & causing a misdirection of essential *** saving resouces. So the next time you read a pithy comment on an internet chat room/bulletin board - THINK before you TYPE.

Parsley-matic, Things Town




The English Channel is two feet higher on the French side, due to centrifugal force.

Wrongpants, Sheffield




I got the disk full message when downloading http://*.*

LS, Aber




Never fall in love with a tennis player... love means nothing to them.

Rob, Dublin




The south end of Great Britain is sinking into the English Channel by one inch each year. The north end is rising by one inch each year.

Simon T, Kent n T, Kent




Laila Morse, who plays Mo Slater (snr) in Eastenders is Gary Oldman's sister. And that's not her real name, but an anagram of the Italian for 'my sister'.

Emma Bennett, London




There's no such thing as cardboard.

Christian M, Welwyn Garden City




Whenever an archaeologist uses the word 'ritual' to describe a find, feature or activity, this is trade code for 'I haven't the foggiest idea what the *hell* this was for'.

Joe, Southampton




Two wrongs don't make a right. But three just might.

Phil, Uttoxeter




My home town Ballymena is at the centre of the universe. I know this, because everything is moving away from it at an equal rate.

Professor Stephen Hawkjet, Ballymena




Baptists don't make love standing up for fear that someone will think they are dancing.

Dana Jennings, North Carolina




"I AM, therefore I think." Isn't that putting Descartes before the horse?

Pete Moss, Guildford




I cannot be hypnotised. I remind the hypnotist of this every Wednesday when I go round his house to wash his car.

Tony P, Portsmouth




I cannot be hypnotised. I remind the hypnotist of this every Wednesday when I go round his house to wash his car.

Tony P, Portsmouth




There's no place like 127.0.0.1

Evil_T, Penicuik




Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila.

Benji, Brighton




'Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos meos' is Latin for 'You stupid machine! Give me my soda or give me my money back!'

TS




Cows are not toys.

Ali W




A good pun is its own reword.

Karen, Reading




A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the average speed and health of the group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Lesley, Germany




Charles Dickens was an insomniac, who believed his best chance of sleeping was in the centre of a bed facing directly north

Britta Kuhnen




Winston Churchill, when making a speech, used to put a long pin in his cigar, keeping the ash in place, thereby keeping MPs enthralled

Barkat




Indecision is the basis of flexibility

Billy2sheds, Huddersfield




Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool

Mmmm Sandwich




Contrary to popular belief, life has been pretty tough for Riley for the last few years

Jools, Nottingham




Have you noticed how, if I do this... people laugh at me?

Paul, London




Abdul Kasem Ismael, Grand Vizier of Persia in the tenth century, carried his library with him wherever he went. The 117,000 volumes were carried by 400 camels trained to walk in alphabetical order.

Huw Williams

When out shooting and your trusty dog brings back a wounded pheasant, hold it at the front of its wings and the bird will oblige by stretching its head forwards, thus saving your knuckles when you despatch the bird with your stick.

Sir Monty Bodlethorne




Although the earth is larger, the moon is farther away.

Nicholas Herold, Arlington, USA




You can make neighbours think that you have fluorescent lights in all the rooms in your house by quickly turning the lights on and off several times before leaving them on.

Patrick K, Preston




Allow yourself to have even more money to spend on IWOOT by saving money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate, eg. Mr. KVL 741Y

Amanda, Glasgow




The last Conservative Prime Minister was John Major. That's as in, 'the last ever.'

Chris Noton, Casnewydd




So many of your correspondents have obviously spent such a great deal of time and effort detailing witty and inventive contributions to this site that I'm surprised you don't get more people whose life, being quiet and uneventful, regret having found this section at all and simply give up half wa

Liz Hogg




Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny have never been seen in the same room at the same time. Work it out for yourself.

Martin




If variety is the spice of life, then why do people keep saying it?

AMMC




I'm so poor i can't afford to pay attention.

Richard Beale




When your hamster dies, do not fret... boil the deceased in some water and sugar until it thickens - thereby creating a jam. Bury a jar of said jam in your garden and await spring. I guarantee you will see new life from your garden in the form of a fresh patch of tulips. Why? You always get tulips from hamster jam.

Dr P, Birmingham




Last night I dreamt I had written 'Lord Of The Rings'. This morning I realised I'd just been Tolkein in my sleep.

Eric Hewis, Horwich




60 second trouser shopping. Keeping the button fastened on a pair of trousers, wrap the waist band around your neck. If they are within an inch to touching, the trousers will fit your waist. If they overlap they will be too big. The theory is your waist is double your neck.

Sammy Samanjoul, Darlington

Hairdressers always ask you where you're going on holiday; why don't travel agents ask you where you have your hair done?

Tony, Croydon




There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

David Gaite, West Vancouver, Canada




As you sleep, unused energy is pushed out through you eyes in the form of 'sleep'. When you wake in the morning you'll find wee bits of yellowy stuff in the corner of your eyes. These are actually energy boosters and should be eaten.

Wilbert Ross, Belfast




You can play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.

G Field, Telford




When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

Fluffy, Totnes




Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man HOW to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.

Jace, Brighton




Three days after death, hair & fingernails continue to grow, but calls taper off.

Phil Sutton, Farnborough




Men's jackets and shirts have the buttons on the right (from the wearers' point of view) and the holes on the right, whereas women's have it the other way round... why? Because back in the days when men used to carry pistols in their jackets, they would sometimes need to draw rapidly. With the buttons the way they are that means a man can easily reach through the buttons with his right hand to draw the pistol which would be situated on the left. It's the other way round on women's clothes cos shooting people wasn't a particularly ladylike thing to do. It also dramatically reduced the number of murderous transvestites that roamed the streets in the 18th century.

Arnolfini, Croydon




Apparently most women are very slightly knock-kneed to balance out their wider child-bearing pelvises with a central point of support! Hmmm, that's my excuse anyway and I'm sticking to it!

Emma, Dublin




Rudolph, from Russia, was a student studying in Minsk. At the end of term he was due to travel home to Moscow for the holidays, with his fellow students, by train. Whilst on the train and in need of refreshment, Rudolph's friend Vlad ordered some Tuborg from the refreshment carriage and gave them out to his friends on his return. Rudolph took one sip, stood up, slid the window open and leapt to his death to which one his astonished friends added... "of course we forgot... Rudolph The Red Loathes Train Beer"

Binks, Bristol




I read recipes like I read science fiction; I get to the end and think, 'That'll never happen.'

M. Boyce




If you spread out all the sand in North Africa it would completely cover the Sahara Desert

Freak Avatar




Ever wonder that, if practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, then why practise?

Divs




Brian Clough, at the end of his career as a footballer, became a loquacious club manager. After watching his Nottingham Forest team defeat QPR 5-2 in the Littlewoods Cup, Clough rushed on to the pitch to eject some spectators. In full view of TV cameras, he proceeded to clout offenders and clip them round the ears. An anonymous wit described this procedure as a case of 'the s**t hitting the fan'.

Nicholas Carey




In the Philippines (where I was born) every individual's middle name is from their mother's maiden name. For example my middle name is Cardenas (which means sardines) this was my mum's maiden name, which was my gran's surname (my Gran's middle name was her mum's surname). I'll be passing on the 'Sardine' surname because I am quite proud to know that somewhere along the line my granma ended up marrying one of the first Sardine family in the Philippines (which means they were amongst the first sardine fishermen in the Philippines).

Myra Umali




A cat's whiskers are exactly as wide as its body, so it knows if it can make it through a tight space or not.

Andrew




In Hungary, the satirical political publication equivalent to our 'Private Eye' is called 'Snowboots'. This is derived from the term used in Hungary to express feeling really fed up - 'my snowboots are full'.

Carole Le Gresley

You didn't know that I interviewed the famous Hammarby goal keeper, Ronnie Hellstrom when i was 11 years old in the first McDonalds opening in Stockholm, Sweden.

Lotta




If the earth was destroyed tomorrow, the only evidence for the existence of humans in the solar system would be a plaque on the moon bearing the names Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew.

Pete Darby




Gabriel Battistuta speaks Welsh. His grandmother was a Welsh immigrant to Patagonia, S. Argentina; in an interview on Italian TV he ended saying Diolch, Welsh for thanks.

Andrew Rosoman




When you get drunk and can't remember what you did, you never will... Memory isn't written when you black out, but unfortunately this does not affect photographs or what you wake up with.

Private Universe 2001




Electronic equipment runs on smoke - let the smoke out and it dies.

Presactly




The largest city in North America was discovered in Texas in 1900. It was not built by people, but prairie dogs - about 400 million of them. Their underground burrows covered more than 25,000 square miles.

I. Rainton




Apparently George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill had had a falling out. On the opening of his new play GBS sent WC a note with two tickets inviting him to the premiere: 'and a friend, if you have one'. WC is said to have replied thanking GBS and saying that although he was busy that night he would be very pleased to attend the second night 'if there is one'.

Ali, Cambridge




An Amazonian tribal ruler from an undeveloped part of South America visited the queen and was so taken by her throne that he had one installed in his hut. It took up too much room so he arranged a hoist to lift it to the roof. One night the hoist broke, the throne fell and killed him. This goes to prove that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Charles Coxall




The word "Spodrum" was invented by my younger brother in 1996, and has since spawned a secret religion, a powerful empire, several small towns and a product that nobody quite understands.

Johnny Boy, Spodrumville




I think you should know that if I win this prize my girl has promised to be completely submissive for one night. Don't let me down please - our car needs a really good clean.

Paul Mon




In America many town names were changed in the late nineteenth century as many Indian place names were deemed either to rude or to unpronounceable, eg the lake which went by the pithy name "Chargoggagoggmanchauggauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg " which meant "You fish on that side, I'll fish on this side and no one will fish in the middle". However, few escaped the net and there are still people who a proud to come from Toad Suck, Arkansas and Idiotville, Oregon.

Colin Flynn




Following independence, the United States government voted to adopt an official language. English won (obviously) but only by ONE vote over German.

Emmric




I have invented a cure for which there is no known disease.

Paul Millz




You don't know that I see pictures, like a cinema screen inside my head all the time... side by side with everyday life. One day everyone will know that each person, hears, smells, sees individually - we cannot assume that we function as one.

Felicity Odam