I will now kill myself
Reply to: anon-55906066@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-16, 8:35PM EST


Ok, my life sucks. A lot. I have been wishing I that I was dead for half of my natural life. And that is only that I realized when I was 12 how bad things really were.

My parents don't like me. I haven't talked to my dad in a while, and my mom treats me like a little puppy; which is not really love.

At the age of 20, I am still a virgin. I have not kissed a girl, on the cheek even. I've never had a birthday party. I have no close friends, guys or girls.

Have very very low self esteem. I think I am ugly. For one, I think it is objectively true, and another my parents alluded to it constantly. My therapist and fellow patients at a mental hosptial I was at claim I was good lucking, but come on now. They also claim I'm funny.

I am skinny. I can't lift anything. I have bad teeth. My lips are always dry and peeling. I always have a bad tast in my mouth. My eyes are always dry and I cannot see 8 inches in front of my face. I get a headache very easily. I have flat feet and can't run, hurts to walk, barely stand. Can't maintain an erection, uncut foreskin won't pull back. Masturbation barely enjoyable. Have to watch rough ******* **** where girls are crying and choking just to stay up. Too much gas, have to crap all the time. Hairy ***, pee in fits and starts. Long girl-fingers. Hands always sweating. really bad posture.

Going to a good college did not help, and I dropped out too many times. Will never get an internship on Capitol Hill. Obessively interested in politics but hate confrontations and saying no to people. Obviously if God exists, he has quite the sense of humor.

I want to be in politics to improve lives but have negative self confidence. And don't tell me I am a good person because I am probably only in it for the glory.

I have horrible grades because attending class takes so much work. I have quit all jobs after a few months because, well I don't know why. I just couldn't take it. Didn't apply to ivy league schools only because they asked for a letter of recommendation and I thought all my teachers hated me. Except now it's true and I can't get a letter of rec for law school. I usually do well on standardized test but I am not prepared for the Feb LSAT.

Can't concentrate. Songs repeat in my head. I have to listen to them over and over. Can't sleep, have to rock myself back and forth. Wake up many times suring the night. Wake up groggy no matter how long I have slept. Meds used to help, but not anymore.

Been on 6 different anti depressants. I have been in therapy for over a year. Feel sad. Want to cry, but can't. Which makes me feel sadder.

I don't understand friendship. Why do people crave human contact? I wish I knew. What do girls find attractive in guys, don't know that either. But I am sure I have company in the latter category. There is more bad stuff, I am sure, but my brain is too frazzled to think of any right now.

I wish someone loved me. I wish someone cared about me. Even if they did I am not sure it would make a difference. I don't seem to be capable of love or happiness. Maybe I never will.

I have anti- insomnia, anxiety, and depressant pills. I will get a bottle of tylenol (which was the method I used in my suicide attempt at the age of 16), but I will go to the top of a large structure, take all the pills and jump.

I wish all of you the best. Everyone deserves a good life. And for godsakes, please stop those damn republicans from destroying the world.



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